A Diary of our Sleeping Angel: A tale of the Unexpected

38 weeks glorious weeks of pregnancy and its Christmas 2006! I had promised myself that I wouldn't get truely excited about our first baby arriving until the Christmas decorations were put out. We'd made it...surely? Despite all the hurrying about getting ready for Christmas I noticed that I was feeling strong Braxton Hicks but didn't feel many movements from baby on Christmas Eve. We tried all the tricks but our baby girl did not kick. At 11pm we went into hospital to be monitored. As I lay on the bed and they hooked us up...kick...off she went and we were so releaved! By now it was Christmas morning about 2am and we had been monitored for 40 minutes. The Midwives said our trace was "beautiful" and we were sent home. The Midwife whispered to me "You're having contractions so it won't be too long..don't let your Husband drink too much over Christmas!" We enjoyed Christmas Day.

39 weeks and 4 days I had my final antenatal check at my doctors surgery. As soon as the fetal monitor was placed I noticed that her heartbeat appeared to be slower than at previous times. My Midwife showed me the screen counting the beats and it was fluctuating between 132-134 and she said it was absoutlely fine. "Next time I see you, you will be at home with your baby!" Chloe was ready to be born.

Two days later, one day before our due date, I noticed that again her movements had reduced. We felt reassured by people saying that the baby was big and had no space to move fully, also we knew her hearbeat was fine from two days before. That evening, 7th January 2007, we went in to be monitored as we thought "we would never forgive ourselves"...

After a long wait (the Maternity Ward was busy) a Midwife attempted to find her heartbeat...Silence. She fetched another Midwife as "sometimes the baby lies in an awkward position"...Silence.  I looked at my Husband in horror as I just knew what this meant. My entire life flashed before me. A doctor joined us with a portable scanner and he did not find a heartbeat either. I screamed, cried and whaled. This simply could not be happening? From that point on I entered a nightmare world almost like being in a film. Our baby girl was dead. 

We had to be scanned on the 'big' scanner to 'confirm'. "Confirm our baby is dead you mean?!" I screamed. I walked in complete terror to the scanning room and held my fingers in my ears whilst they scanned us. The doctor finished his scan, held my hand and shook his head. He didn't need to say a word. "NO!" I staggered back up to the Maternity ward and we were allocated a 'special room' where family had gathered to try to console us. I was told that I would need to be induced and have a natural labour. A woman's worst nightmare had become my reality. I decided to go home and return the next day. Ironically, which was her due date.

We got home in silence. Tears, questions and shouting. I sat up all night on the sofa and stroked my bump. I cried all night. My baby was dead, how could this be? The hours passed by and dawn arrived. Our last night together was over. Forever. Like robots we re-packed our hospital bag. Swapped nappies and babygros for tissues and off we went back to hopsital. Without a word.  

That day, 8-9th January proved to be the most horrendous and traumatic day of my life. After 12 hours of labour, Chloe Amber was born at 00.01 on 9th January. A meeting and a farewell at the same time. My sleeping silent baby. I desperatley wanted to give her air..."breathe! Go on! Prove this is a mistake" I willed her to move. Nothing. Our hopes and dreams and our Daughter Chloe Amber has been carried on butterfly wings. Our Sleeping Angel was born.